How long has it been since I've not looking at the ceiling? I lay in bed all day,
minutes and hours passing me by, and all I do is stare above. The ceiling is white, and to
the left, there is a fan that whirls by in a swishing brown motion. A knock at the door
almost disturbs me, but I've come to expect it. Everyone that comes to this room should
know that I won't answer, so the visitor comes right in and closes the door. But I don't
look over to see who it is. I already know.
"Vash, you need to come out sometime! It's a lovely day outside, and here you are,
wasting away in this room." A slight click sounds as she puts down something. She's only
joking; her voice is light, and her tone implies that she knows I won't heed her pleas.
She's only nice to me because... because...
I'm not sure why she's nice to me, to be truthful. She used to give me a hard time
about everything. She still does, but she's better in her way now than then. She pulls up a
chair and sits down by my bed.
"I fixed you some tea, Vash. Mandarin orange, I think the packet was. I hope you
like it." Yes, her tone is light and airy, trying not to give much away. But surely it's been
hard on her, taking care of me in my state. My state. She doesn't talk about it, and neither
do I; but I'm the one that says nothing all day long, and does nothing all day long, and
never goes anywhere all day long... Lay down and stare at the white ceiling with its brown
fan. This is my new existence. Supine and feeling fine.
"Milly's in the kitchen, baking some sugar cookies. She's really rather good at it,
though you might usually think otherwise." I can hear her smile. "We'd make you some
donuts, but we've tried before. We just can't seem to get it right! We followed the
directions exactly as they were presented, but they still turned out soggy and lumpy.
We're sorry we can't make them for you..." She trails off, and I imagine that she looks
rather regretful now. But I don't move, or speak to comfort her. I feel drained in every
way, and she talks of donuts. Odd.
Yet it's not. She has no clue what goes through my mind, but she keeps going on,
day after day. She and Milly could have left me alone to fend for myself, but they knew
that I hadn't the heart to go on. They took it upon themselves to care for me, like a mother
might for an orphaned child. They never had to, but they did. I don't wonder why, but
maybe I should. If the only kindness in these days comes from those two insurance girls,
who've given up their jobs for me... to care for me... then...
"Vash."
I want to throw away my identity and start anew, but these girls prevent me from
doing it! Go away go away go away go away--
"Vash, you're crying." Good for you, Meryl. I'm glad you're so astute. What would
I do without you?
I'm being harsh for no good reason. At least it's not being voiced, right? But she
noticed my condition before I did, so what does that say? It says, I'm not paying attention
to anything. I don't want to pay attention to anything, not a thing. I just don't want to keep
going like this.
She bends over and lays her head on my stomach, her face buried in my off-white,
dirty shirt. She shakes, and I can tell that she's crying. I don't know why; could it be from
my own random tears? I'm not even sure why I'm crying... And it's so strange, because I
feel like I'm floating on mere existence in this quiet room, crying without a notion of why
with a girl that cares for me in a simple sort of way. It's a sad existence, but now we two
share it. And even so, what do we do now?
I'm tired of doing nothing. And I'm tried of staring at a ceiling that gives me no
more comfort than I've been giving Meryl, or Milly. This sort of life suffocates a person
until they can't do anything more than the nothing that they desperately cling to. I don't
want my life to consist of nothing moments. Besides, these girls shouldn't have to bear
with my own silent tragedy like martyrs. They deserve the chance to live their lives free
of the burden that is me. So, I gently touch Meryl's hair, but say nothing. She makes no
movement yet.
But then she shifts and looks at me with tear-streaked eyes, sad eyes. I rise slightly
to look into those eyes and see for myself what I have only been imagining. I think she
holds her breath, just to hear me speak. I can't disappoint her again.
"You've cared for me as you are, as you've always been... strong and dependable.
You haven't let me down, not for one moment, even in these difficult times." A quiet
smile emerges on my face; I'm glad I'm still able to smile, after all this time.
"You give me joy, Meryl. Thank you."
In my arms I gather her, hold her to me. I can't just thank her for what she's done.
She's been too patient. Too caring. I don't deserve this, and I can't repay it.
And in my arms she is still, quiet. No sound or motion comes forth from her but
utter calm. If she gives no reaction...
I pull away and peer at her. A certain level of shock is upon her face. I'm not
surprised. But suddenly she throws her arms around me and mumbles something I don't
understand.
But for now, I'm content to hold you, Meryl.
