I don't own Vash and Meryl, I'm just borrowing them^^ They belong to Mr.Nightow, like all the other Trigun characters.
Based both on the anime and the manga. No temporal line...no big spoilers. Just wanted Vash and Meryl together...that's all^^
Major sap ahead...you're warned!
Rating : PG
A Very special thanks to wonderful Raechan,for beta-reading this sappy fic^^Thank you girl!!^^
What if...?
-I will find you
Anywhere you go I'll be right behind you
Right until the ends of the Earth-
(Queen - You Take My Breath Away-)
What if I tell him? What will he say? I've been following him for years; when he fought, when he struggled, when he just ran away from something painful...I was there. At the beginning, it was a job, but then it became a friendship.
It was too late when I realized it was love.
Yesterday evening, I wrote my last report to the Company. I'm leaving. Milly said she'll follow me anywhere; after we met Wolfwood, she has changed. I think she likes him, and after all, I'm happy about this, because he seems to like her, too. For me, it is different. I know very well that my love will never be returned. It doesn't matter how long I will be able to wait, because he will never love me.
The reason is simple: he loves somebody else. Rem. He's been loving her for over 150 years. How can I think that one day he'll love me? I'm not a beauty, not too brave nor too smart...and I'm not Rem. I'd give my life for Vash, and I've almost done it in the past, but he pretended not to notice. Or he would have been forced to hurt me, to lie. That's why I love him. It doesn't matter what he's feeling or how sad he is -- he'll always try to do his best for people. And this is exactly what I wrote in my last report. I love Vash the Stampede and I can't keep on following the man I love only because I'm paid to. I *want* to follow him. I want to be with him. Forever.
Milly has just come in to tell me she's going to buy something for dinner with Wolfwood. I wave my hand and turn back to this diary I'm writing. We arrived in this small town two weeks ago, and still nobody has tried to catch or kill Vash. It's curious how people can change when they discover who you are. The name 'Vash the Stampede' works like a magnet: it attracts people that want the 60 million double-dollars, and it pushes away those scared by him, people that had perhaps acted friendly until his identity was revealed.
I still remember the first time Vash called me by name, just before he disappeared for two years. He doesn't know how much I've suffered for his loss. I believed him dead, and I believed it was my fault, only because I let him go, like a silly girl with a crush on a movie star. I've been thinking about him for the whole time, during my usual duty. Milly laughed every time I wrote 'Vash the Stampede' in a report in the place of the right name.
But then he came back...I was so happy when my boss told me and Milly to find him again. It seemed that life had come back to me. And now I'm not going back. I'm not going to leave him again.
When Vash needed me, I was there, and I'll stay at Vash's side forever. I don't care if he doesn't love me...the important thing is that I love him. I wanted to tell him everything, but then I thought that it's not right. What if I tell him 'I love you'? What would he say? Would he run away because he can't love me? Probably yes, so that he won't hurt me. I don't want to know, I guess. Better having him here without his love, than not having him at all. It hurts, but I don't care anymore.
Vash's calling me right now, so I'll go to him...I'll continue this diary later.
*-*-*-*-*
I'm writing again. It's late, now, but I'll write everything that has just happened. I'll read this diary someday in the future, and I want to remember...
Vash's voice kept calling me until I reached the dining room. He was complaining that there was nothing to eat. I told him that Milly and Wolfwood were out to buy dinner, but he laughed. Then he told me that Milly and Wolfwood were probably doing something completely different from buying dinner, if he knew that 'damned priest' well. I blushed: what was he talking about? That Milly had an affair with Wolfwood? I knew she had, but I didn't think it was my business, after all. Nor his.
"Why don't you mind your own business??" I asked.
"I would, but I'm hungry," he growled.
I moved to the kitchen to see if there was something to eat, and Vash followed me. All I could find was a couple of boxes of donuts. He started eating them, without asking if I wanted some. I've always liked to watch him eating: it's the only time when his eyes are happy.
As I watched him, my thoughts turned to a few days ago, when we had seen a man shoot a guy that had stolen his bag. I remembered how I saw Vash crying, and how I gently held his hand. Vash had squeezed back, without turning to me, as if he was saying 'I know you're here.'
"What?" Vash asked me so suddenly I nearly jumped. My mind returned to the present.
"What, what?" I asked back.
"You're staring at me," he muttered, a donut still in his mouth.
Was I? Certainly, yes, I can't help it.
"Sorry, didn't mean to," I answered slowly and turned to leave.
"Please, stay," he whispered.
"Something's wrong?" I asked, sitting at the table with him.
"I don't know. I mean...you've been acting strangely recently."
My heart skipped a beat. Did he know? Milly told Wolfwood and Wolfwood told him? No, please...I shook my head violently.
"Strange? No, I don't think so. You must be mistaken."
Vash smiled and put another donut in his mouth. "I guess you like somebody, but you're not brave enough to tell him."
I jumped from my chair, and this surprised Vash so much that he started to laugh.
"I'm right, then!" he almost screamed, hitting his fist on the table. I found myself praying for the floor to open and swallow me; I was having a heart-attack and I couldn't breathe. And he kept laughing like a fool...I really wondered if he was asking "I guessed right, what did I win?"
That moron, he has no respect for my feelings, I thought.
But then Vash's face became serious. "How long have you been in love with Wolfwood?" he asked.
"WOLFWOOD??" It was my turn to scream. How could he imagine such a thing? Me in love with that priest? I stared at Vash with angry eyes. He was sincerely amazed.
"It's not Wolfwood?"
I sat back at the table and shook my head again "No...idiot. He loves Milly! Why don't you spend your time thinking about more intelligent things?"
I saw his eyes becoming sad again. "Sorry, but I really thought I was right," he said. "It's because of your behaviour."
Oh my...he's been analyzing my behaviour. Am I that obvious? Well, Milly knew everything, and I never told her a single word about my feelings.
"What's wrong with my behaviour?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
I saw him smiling. I love that smile. He uses it to tell people 'don't worry, everything's fine.'
Then he started speaking. "Nothing, really. It's only that you avoid me whenever I touch you. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but then I realized you did it on purpose and only when somebody else was in the room with us, or when someone was looking at us. So I guessed you liked somebody and didn't want to be seen with me."
His voice was low, sad, as if what he was saying hurt him badly. And I guess it really did. The thing that he feared most was being considered a freak by the people he trusted. By me. It was true: I *had* been avoiding him recently, but there was a reason. A simple, stupid reason called 'desire.' Every time he touched my hand or just patted my head, it made me feel like dying. The unbelievable desire to kiss him, to make love to him, almost crushed me, and so I started to avoid his touch. I wanted to avoid the pain I felt in my heart.
Vash didn't move; he still stood there, staring at me with his sad eyes. I wanted to hug him tightly, but I was stuck to the chair.
"What the hell are you saying? How can you think something like this?" I asked him.
"Because you did it," he muttered, keeping his voice low. He bit into another donut, staring at the table.
"Vash...I didn't mean to avoid you, believe me...it's only that..."
He smiled again. "I know, it's instinctive. I really wonder who's the lucky man. You don't want him to know that you must follow the infamous Vash the Stampede, right?"
I kicked back my chair and grabbed his sweatshirt. "Stop spouting all of this bullshit! There's no man, and I don't want avoid you! You dumbass!"
I shook him for a while then let him go. He looked worried and disoriented.
"I...I thought...you kept on chatting with Wolfwood, ignoring me, and I thought..."
I saw Vash's confusion as he stumbled on his words. For a second, a strange thought passed through my head: could he be jealous?
Hitting my head with my hand I stormed out of the kitchen. I didn't see Vash had followed me. I was already going back to my room when I heard his voice again.
"Meryl, please...stay..."
When I turned around, all I was able to do was run straight into Vash's arms. He was crying. I just couldn't stand the thought that he was crying because of me, because of my bad temper.
I know he has suffered enough during his life, always being alone, followed by disasters and called terrible names. Every time I see him crying, all I can think of is holding him tight. Letting him know that he's not alone anymore.
Vash returned my embrace, placing his chin on my head.
"Thank you...I thought you didn't want to be with me anymore."
I raised my head to look into his eyes. "Why? Why should I go away? You know I..." my voice trailed off.
Again...what if I tell him? What would he say? The only words that formed in my mind were "I love you..." Words I wasn't ready to say.
"You can always count on me," was my new sentence. I gently dried his tears with my fingers, but Vash grabbed my wrist.
"Could you love me?" he asked.
I remained speechless for several seconds. After all, this is not a question you can answer at once, simply because you're so stunned you wouldn't be able to repeat your own name. Vash's eyes became sad again, taking my silence as a 'no.' He set free my wrist, then moved away a little. I stopped him, grabbing his arm.
"Why do you ask?" I whispered.
Damn, I'm scared. I've been waiting for a whole life for this question, and now I can't answer. Scared to know why he asked. Scared to know what he could answer.
"I want to know..." was his simple answer. I lowered my head because I didn't want him to see my eyes
"Yes...but I should be asking *you* this."
Was that my voice? Guess so, even if I didn't recognize it. Vash remained silent for a while, and I couldn't say anything else.
"Is it because I'm not human? Because of my...scars?" he asked so abruptly I raised my head to meet his eyes.
"No...because of...her..."
I never met Rem. How could I? She died over 140 years ago. She was everything to Vash: his mother, his sister, his friend, his lover. But did she know what Vash felt for her? The only thing I know is that every time he talks about Rem, he cries. Rem was his guiding light, the woman who taught him to love humans, even if they called him 'freak.' The only woman he loved in 150 years, and the only woman who really loved him, in 150 years. Vash is a lonely man, and he's always been that way. That's why I never talked to him about my feelings. I was always scared of invading his loneliness. At once I felt confused.
"Rem...was the only one I loved..." I saw him turning around a little. "But a while ago, I saw her when I looked at you. Slowly, I realized that I wasn't looking at Rem anymore...I was looking *only* at you. I will always love her, this is true, but Rem belongs to my past, while you are here, in the present. With me..."
My eyes grew bigger. Could he possibly...love me?
"You know, Meryl, the first time Knives found me, I called you by name on purpose. I wanted you to understand why I was going to fight him. Why I *had* to fight him. And calling you 'Meryl' instead of 'the insurance girl' supported me somehow. There was finally a woman I could call by name without being considered a fool or a freak...and I had a reason to come back."
"But you didn't come back..." I said. I was crying. I could feel tears flowing down my cheeks. "You probably never wondered how much I missed you in your two years of wandering. Why, Vash? Why didn't you look for me?"
Vash moved closer, hugging me tightly. He gently wiped away my tears.
"I couldn't," he replied. "I couldn't put you and Milly in danger. And I still thought that Rem was the only one I could love. I'm only a freak, after all."
I returned his embrace. "When will you stop saying you're a freak? You're a moron, that's true. But not a freak."
I heard his soft chuckle. "Thank you, Meryl. Now I really know you love me. A moron...how kind of you."
I chuckled too. "Anyway...freak or moron, I really love you..."
We remained silent for a while, his arms still around me. "Are you...serious?"
I moved away from him, laughing. "See? You're a moron that never listens to what I say!"
He smiled sweetly, then closed the gap between us, cupped my face with his hands, and slowly kissed me.
*-*-*-*-*
So, this is all for today, my dear diary. Vash is still sleeping in my bed, and I want him to find me there when he wakes up. Milly and Wolfwood came home late yesterday, and I heard her opening my room's door slowly, to see if everything was fine. Vash and I were still awake, and we almost laughed when we heard her scream of surprise.
I'm happy. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that Vash and I will be together, and this simple thought makes me feel alive.
What if I tell him? What will he say?
Now I know...
