The Way Things Were Supposed to Be

by DecoyNeko

So many months of preparation... This is it, the night I finally tell you everything. Gosh, how long have I felt this way? Years?...Yes. I was too stupid to realize it at first, but I finally came to terms with my feelings some time after the 'Fifth Moon Incident.'

I still wonder how you made me fall head over heels the way you did. You're such a klutz... a beautiful, donut-cramming, peace-loving, fool of a man. You're the type of guy most girls would die for... or at least give up a limb or two, and I guess I'm one of those girls. Heh, that's kind of funny, now that I actually think about it.

I was always supposed to be the responsible one, the one that was predictable, reliable. All of that changed after I met you. Damn your spontaneity, your lack of ties, the way you wear your heart on your sleeve. Damn all of your ridiculous stunts and skirt-chasing ways... Damn you for making me act this way, for falling in love with you...

Ugh, why did it have to be you? Why couldn't you just have been another assignment? You don't even pretend to like me as anything more than a 'travel companion', so why did you have to captivate me with sickeningly sweet, sappy ways? I guess it'd be different if you actually acted like you could care for me as more than a friend somehow. I always feel like a nuisance when I'm around you. Like I'm not important enough to notice or even attempt to pay attention to... I guess it comes with the job. You were forced to be followed by me, not to socialize with me... or even have any sort of feelings towards me other than annoyance. You were never obligated to like me...

But still... Even though I won't admit it to anyone, especially you... It hurts. It's hurts to watch you ogle over other girls when inside, I wish so badly it'd be me you were enchanted by. It hurts to know that I am nothing more than a burden to you. It hurts so much, Vash. But despite how much I'm hurting on the inside, it can never show. I won't let it. I won't give up what little thread of control I have left at this time, even if it is a facade.

So, tonight I'll tell it all. I'll release this huge worry off of my mind to settle with you. I don't except love in return, really I don't expect anything except a pat on the back and a smile... You know which one I'm talking about, the fake one. One thing I do ask that you give me, Vash, is the truth. I don't think it's too much to ask really. Don't take pity on me, I'd rather you chew up my heart and spit it out, stomp on it if you'd like... Just don't lead me on...please.

I have it all planned out. Nothing fancy, no tangled words or stuttering. I'll simply tell you everything that's been on my mind lately, slowly leading up to the part where you let me down softly with a 'Maybe we should just stay friends, Insurance Girl...'. Who knows? You might surprise me and be completely repulsed by the idea of me falling in love with someone like you... or maybe... No. You could never love me in return. It's a preposterous idea, Meryl! How could you have let that thought slither it's way through your mind? Vash doesn't want a small, bossy, sweaty, bitchy 'Insurance Girl' like me. He wants a tall, voluptuous Goddess in heels and a miniskirt... in essence, everything I'm not.

Was love supposed to make you feel this inadequate? Most of the people that I've seen that were in love were happy people with huge smiles plastered to their faces and joy just bubbling every which way. I, on the other hand, am a complete wreck. I barely sleep anymore, I don't eat much, and worst of all, I cry all the time. Of course I don't cry around the others, that would make me weak... I cry when I know that I'm alone, like when I'm the shower, or sometimes in my room when I can simply bury my face in a pillow to muffle the sobs.

What would you say if you knew that I was like this? That I'm over-serious? Probably. That I'm melodramatic? Most definitely. I can't help it, I had all of this packed inside of my weary heart for so long. All of my worries, wanting... everything just shoved in the back of my heart. I can't do it anymore... I'm emptying everything out tonight, even if it leaves me hollow and void in the end.

Pity party, anyone? I feel so stupid for acting like this! I hate it! I'm afraid that if I keep this bottled up much longer I'll slowly start to despise him, as well... No... I could never do that...

~*~

"Meryl?" Several soft knocks were heard at the door.

I turn my head to the side to look at the clock on the nightstand. Twelve thirty? I never sleep this late... I hope Millie doesn't get suspicious about me still being in bed at this time. I clear my throat, tearing the last bits of sleep from my unused vocal cords, "Yes, Millie?"

The door opens slowly before a tall blonde peeps her head in, "I was wondering if you wanted to go out someplace with me tonight. I thought it'd be good for you to get out a little bit. You know, you haven't left your room much lately."

I smile in return, she's right. "I know, I'm sorry if I'm worrying you. I just don't feel well."

She walks into the room, closing the door behind her. "It's about Mr. Vash, isn't it? You really should tell him, Meryl. You'll never know what he'll say until you do."

Her perceptiveness doesn't surprise me anymore, I've gotten so used to it. "Actually, I was planning on telling him tonight, but right now I want to rest. I feel sick."

Millie looks like she's searching for the correct words to use, "Maybe you should eat something... I've noticed you've been skipping meals lately..."

If I had been hiding my weariness before it was now showing tenfold. I'd been so careful, how could she have known? Whenever I had to work I'd say that I'd grab lunch there, or when I had night shifts, dinner. Breakfast on the other hand, I'd usually eat. I figured that if I didn't eat at least one meal at home they'd begin to get suspicious. I didn't mean to start skipping meals... I just started to get less and less hungry. "I'm sorry, Millie..."

That's all I could manage? 'I'm sorry, Millie...'? I guess that's all she needed. Her eyes sparked with determination and she stood up quickly. "I'm going to go get you some lunch, okay Meryl? I expect you to eat all of it."

I nod meekly. I feel so ashamed for acting so stupidly and worrying Millie like this. I watch her as she walks out of the room, closing the door behind her softly. I turn away from the door and onto my side, curling into a ball.

~*~

Millie walked into the kitchen and over the cupboard. "I never knew that it'd come to this..." she thought out loud with a whisper. 'I thought that Meryl could be a little more responsible...'

She pulled out some ingredients for a quick soup. "Scallions, carrots, broth, rice, spices..." she named off each item as she pulled them from their space in the kitchen and set them onto the counter. 'I just wish she could set things strait with Vash instead of beating herself down like this...'

Millie glanced over as the kitchen door cracked open slowly and Vash walked in with his arm looped around Knives's waist for proper support. He then kicked the door shut behind him and moved Knives to a nearby chair to rest. When healing, even small, short amounts of physical stress seemed much harder than they did when a person is able physically.

Knives's recovery was nothing short of amazing. Vash had to admit the Millie had done a fantastic job of healing him, both physically and mentally. He honestly didn't know how the woman did it! She led on to be so naive and innocent, but she was as sharp as a tack and knew a thing or two about nursing the wounded. Vash guessed it was from the years of growing up with so many brothers and sisters. Somewhere along the way she had to learn nursing skills to keep up with younger children. It had to be the same with full-grown adults as well.

When Knives had first awoken he was extremely bitter and harsh. He had barely spoken and still hung onto his beliefs of humans and plants, spiders and butterflies. But after only a four or five weeks, Knives had began to speak quite frequently and engage conversations with not only Vash, but Millie and sometimes Meryl as well.

Of course, Meryl hadn't really talked to anyone much, lately. Vash wondered if there was anything wrong with her. Maybe she had gotten sick and was staying in her room until she felt better. "Millie?"

Millie looked away from the food on the stove briefly to flash a wide, obviously forced, smile in Vash's direction. "Yes?"

"Uh, Where's Meryl? I haven't seen her around much lately..." Vash had caught that. Millie never smiled like that unless something was wrong.

Millie pondered quickly on what to say. It struck her as sweet that he'd ask about Meryl, but it also made her mad that he had just now really noticed. "She's in her room... she isn't feeling well so I'm taking her some food after I finish this." Millie motioned towards the pot on the back burner of the stove.

"Oh really? What's wrong with her?" Vash asked, he felt kind of bad and relieved at the same time. In turn, feeling relieved made him feel guilty. 'Well, I wouldn't feel relieved if she wouldn't hassle me all of the time!' Vash attempted to justify his feelings to himself. 'Ugh, whatever...' he cut his thoughts off with a roll of his eyes and paid attention to Millie who, again, was talking.

"She's just been sick. She hasn't really talked to me much lately, so I don't really know what exactly is wrong with her..." Millie lied and tried her best from looking towards Vash. She knew damned well that if he saw her face she'd be busted. She kept her face turned toward her cooking and eyes focused intently on making sure that the food didn't burn.

"...I see. Have you asked her what was wrong or did she just not talk or something?" Vash pressed the issue further, he had a feeling that Millie wasn't telling him everything.

Knives sat in his chair, his arms crossed as he watched his brother question the tall girl. Knives seriously hated to admit it, but over the past week he had been having strong feelings for her. At first, he couldn't believe that he, a superior being, could even have feelings for human scum such as she, especially in such a short time. But then he had to remind himself that Millie wasn't like other humans. She was neither a spider, nor was she a butterfly in his eyes. He had given up on figuring out what she was to him about three days ago. He simply couldn't put his finger on it, so he let the subject drop. He knew it would come to him someday, now just wasn't the time to know.

Knives's eyebrow twitched slightly as Vash continued to question and somehow each time, Millie had seemed to evade the answer completely. He actually found it rather funny that Millie, a girl that seemed so dimwitted, could glide through his brother's, a 130+ year old man with intelligence way above any human's, questioning with such ease. Yet another way Millie honestly astounded him. Did she even realize she was doing this?... Of course. He, too, could tell that Milly wasn't telling the whole truth. 'Vash...' Knives brushed his brother's mind quickly before he had a chance to ask yet another question.

'Yea?' Vash responded, turning his attention to Knives, who still sat silently with his arms crossed over the expanse of his chest.

'Why don't you go to the woman yourself and find out what's wrong?' Knives suggested and rolled his eyes as he could almost see the light bulb above his brother's head turn on.

"I'll be back in a second!" Vash called before turning towards the hall that led to Meryl's room, but not before Millie stopped him.

"Wait, take this with you okay? Make...make sure she eats it." Millie said to him while dipping out some of the soup in a deep bowl and putting a thick slice of bread on a small plate. "She already has some water in there, so this is all you have to carry."

"Okay..." Vash grabbed both the bowl and plate and walked away, leaving Millie and Knives in complete silence. Millie made her way over to an empty chair and pulled it out from under the table before sitting down with a sigh.

"What's wrong with the small girl?" Knives asked, breaking the unnerving silence that had ensued.

Millie turned briefly to him and smiled, "I told Mr. Vash that I didn't know."

Knives wondered what she was hiding, this wasn't the Millie he knew, "Yes, and you lied."

Millie turned quickly to face him, though anger was not present in her features. "I did nothing of the sort."

"Come now, Millie. I'm not as dull as my brother. You were broadcasting you emotions like a satellite." Knives responded, his eyes hardening slightly in determination. He didn't want Millie to lie to him. He wanted her to know that she could, against popular belief, talk to him.

Millie's short-lived barriers were soon crumbling all around her, "I'mm so worried about Meryl." Millie sniffled slightly into her palm as she pressed her face tighter into it, her elbows resting on the table stiffly. Soon she was sobbing openly, "She's never acted like this! Everything she's doing is so unlike her..."

Knives had wanted her to tell him the truth, but he didn't expect this... How was he to handle this? He didn't really know the first thing about comfort other than what he had seen mothers do with their children. Was that what he was supposed to do?

Knives decided it was better than watching her bawl her eyes out and scooted his chair closer to hers. Reaching out rather timidly, he put his hand on her shoulder in the most comforting way he could manage.

Millie's head snapped up quickly. 'What is he doing? Is he trying to...to comfort me?' Millie was shocked. Although she had made fantastic progress with him, he never willingly touched her, let alone sympathize with her. She found it amazingly sweet, he looked so embarrassed and utterly clueless on how to show compassion. She smiled slightly at him and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Knives sat there completely stiff and wide-eyed for over ten seconds trying to figure out what to do now. He slowly began to relax and brought his arms around her back tightly to return the hug. 'This is actually quite nice...' Knives thought to himself as he stroked his hand absentmindedly through her brown tresses.

~*~

'Make sure she eats it? Why wouldn't she eat it...?' Vash thought back to Milly's comment as he made his way down the hall towards Meryl's room. 'Ow, this bowl is getting kind of hot.' Vash thought and mentally cursed himself for using his real hand to hold the bowl of steaming hot liquid. 'Great job, Vash. Be sure to add 'Burn from the Soup of Death' to the huge list of other scars you have as well.' he chuckled lightly and walked in front of Meryl's door.

Just as he was about to knock he suddenly stopped. 'What was that?...' Vash's ears perked slightly and he leaned his head closer to the door in front of him. 'There it is again. Is that...?' Vash managed to open the door by placing the plate on top of the bowl to free one of his hands, and pushed the door open slowly. He thanked God that he had oiled the hinges not too long ago, so their noises didn't betray his silence.

He looked over to the source of the noise, the whimpering... It was Meryl. She was crying. Vash was shocked to say the least, he had never seen Meryl cry before. Was her sickness causing her that much pain? It must have been one hell of an ailment to make Meryl Stryfe cry...

Vash walked as softly as possible over to the side of the bed, placing the food on the nightstand before looking back over the Meryl, whom he could now plainly see had her face dug into soft white pillow below her. The action made his heart ache, it seemed so child-like and distressed.

'And I was relieved...?' Vash raged at himself in his mind.

Meryl hiccuped lightly and made a move to curl herself into an even tighter ball than she had previously constricted herself into. Vash's heart wrenched again and he lowered his hand to her upper arm, barely brushing it with his fingertips. He saw Meryl wince suddenly, as if his touch had been fire. He didn't, however, retract his hand from its position on her arm, instead he gripped tighter. It wasn't tight enough to be considered constricting, but just tight enough to let Meryl know that someone was there for her.

Meryl's mind was panicking, 'This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to stay in control... Now everything is ruined... They know that I'm weak.' Meryl's eyes started to brim with hot liquid again as the thought passed through her mind again. 'I am weak...'

"Meryl..." Vash said quietly.

Her eyes grew wide, 'This isn't Millie...'. She turned over to face the visitor, "Vash...?" She cursed her voice. It made her sound like she had recently swallowed sand paper or something. She knew that she probably looked like hell right about now, lack of sleep and appetite had a tendency to do that to a person, you know. However, she didn't care about her appearance right now, the only thing she could focus on was the look on Vash's face. It seemed as if he felt her pain, that he knew how much she was hurting on the inside.

"Mille told us you were sick...I brought you some food," Vash motioned toward the bowl and plate on the table.

Meryl's eyes cut to the side to look at the pair of dishes and back to Vash, her eyelids drooping a little. "That's okay, I'm not very hungry... Thank you, anyway." She turned back over on her side and pulled the blankets up over her shoulders again.

Vash looked at the woman suspiciously, "Meryl, you have to eat..."

She turned over again, looking at Vash strangely. The first thing that popped into her mind was wondering if Millie had told Vash of her recent eating habits, but then... 'He said my name...'

"You look like you've lost weight, that's not good." Vash finished up and pointed over to the food suggestively.

Meryl's eyes followed the direction of his hand and landed on the food again. Returning her eyes back up to Vash, she nodded slowly. "Why didn't Millie bring this in here herself?"

"I volunteered," Vash said, smiling as he picked up the dishes and handing them to her. The soup had cooled extensively in the time it had taken to get to Meryl, so it didn't burn her hands as she grasped the bowl given to her. She looked down at the bowl as Vash realized an error he had made, "Oops, I forgot to get a spoon for you. I'll go ge-"

"No, that's not necessary." Meryl interrupted and began to silently sip the soup from the bowl. "I don't need one..."

Vash stood watching as Meryl slowly ate. He felt bad for Meryl; she looked so sad. He had never seen her act this way before and he really didn't know how to react. 'I guess everyone has their bad days...'

Meryl stopped eating and looked down at her bowl, swirling the contents around a little. "You don't have to stay in here if you don't want to, I'll eat all of it," she stated flatly. "I don't want to worry Millie anymore."

Vash had to admit that her words had stung a little bit when she stressed Millie's name. "I worry about you, too, Meryl," his words seemed a little

defensive.

She sat for a few seconds, still swirling the soup around in the bowl. "Yea, I know you must have been swarmed with grief..." Meryl said quietly. She figured he hadn't even thought about her until just recently, otherwise he would have at least checked on her sometime during her 'Withdrawal Period,' which had at least been a week, give or take a day or two.

'He was probably just enjoying his vacation from me as long as possible...' Meryl thought, and sighed as she felt a little anger rise in the back of her mind. 'Stupid broom-head...'

Vash's temper sparked a little as he realized what she was saying, "Meryl, I do worry and care about you. I'm sorry about all of this, but damn it I do. You're being selfish... I killed a man to save your life, is that not proof enough!?"

Her face snapped up as reality backhanded her. Her eyes widened as it finally set in... 'Oh my God, he's right...' She turned to him slowly as she regretted all that she had been torturing herself over, when all the while the answer was right in front of her face, "You're right... I am selfish..." Her eyes remained wide as she took everything in, "I'm so sorry, Vash... I-I don't know what else to say. I've been so stupid..."

"Meryl, no- It's just-"

"No, I really have," she pushed her covers back and dangled her legs off of the side of her bed. She stood up slowly, making sure her nightshirt was pulled down before walking over to Vash. "Please, tell me the truth...no matter what," she whispered. Standing on tiptoes she placed her hands on either side of his face, pulling him down to her level. "...No matter what..."

Vash's eyes were large with disbelief, 'Is she going t-' His thoughts stopped suddenly as Meryl planted her lips softly onto his. "Mmerryll," Vash mumbled over her lips as his eyes slid shut.

Meryl ran her hands up Vash's cheekbones carefully, running her fingers rather timidly into his thick golden locks. Realizing that she needed to breathe, she reluctantly broke the kiss. Gazing up at him she smiled as his eyes fluttered open to look back at her. His liquid, aqua gaze slightly hazed over as he brought himself back to the present.

"Meryl...?" Vash whispered, looking over her face. He could tell that she had been crying a lot, that she hadn't eaten much lately, but... but was she trying to say that she... she loved him?

Meryl let her gaze drop to the floor and turned away from Vash's touch, "I'm sorry..."

"Wait!" Vash grasped her arm and pulled her back into his crushing embrace. "Don't walk away from me..." he felt tears prick his eyes as he began to stroke the top of her head. 'She thought I was rejecting her...'

Meryl was shocked as Vash pulled her back to him, and clung to him as soon as she was in his embrace. His words sounded almost strained, was he crying? 'Why are you crying for me Vash...?' She closed her eyes as she felt his fingers stroking through her hair. "This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen..." she mumbled into his shirt.

Vash looked down at her with a questioning look, "What do you mean? Did you n-"

"Nothing," Meryl began smiling and wrapped her arms around his waist, "just...hold me..." Meryl whispered.